Happy (and sick) times

I'm pregnant, and it is the most amazing time of my life.

But its also the sickest. Like, every day sick. Food completely revolts me, I haven't cooked or baked for over a week, and just the idea of prepping any sort of meal except plain salad and a few vegetables/fruits drives me straight to the bathroom.

So ladies Im here asking for tips. What did you eat during your time/what turned you off, or what food tips did your family pass on to you?

Sunday

Sundays have got to be my favorite day of the week. They represent relaxation and peace, good meals and family time, its the day where I just take the time to live.

When I was growing up, Sundays were always reserved for family supper, my mom would be making food all day, sometimes a roast or grilled fish with about 10 million sides and a couple dessert to boot. We were very poor when I was very young, before 10-11. I remember sitting around mashed potatoes, and plain macaroni with some carrots, and my mother would act like it was a feast. And it was, because of the time we spent together. As we got older, that's when the roasts and the abundance of food made appearances, and those suppers are memories and life lessons that I cherish. We still meet once every two weeks for a delicious supper between us. Its a beautiful tradition that I am grateful for. It taught me to sit down, eat slowly, and enjoy the people you are with.

This past Sunday, Jeff and I made breakfast for Cecile, Jeff's father in law's mother. Shes like a grandmother to us, in fact, more of a grandmother than Jeff's blood relatives. She also happens to be living downstairs from us. Side note: Ive loved the experience of living in the same house as her, we pass leftovers back and forth, she's teaching me to make a few of her dishes and vice versa. It was her birthday last Friday, and the supper that was made for her by the rest of Jeff's family was a disaster, extremely awkward and frankly, an awful, purposely cruel mess. Relations are very strained between them and us/Cecile right now, so we chose not to take part of the supper, and do our own thing. Thank goodness for that choice because I dont know how I would have reacted had I been downstairs to witness what was done and said to her. Long story short, it became extremyl important to me, to give Cecile a pleasant experience where she could look back and remember something positive. So we chose breakfast.

It was very simple. Jeff made his famous pancakes, we made some bacon and a bowl of hard boiled eggs. A large plate of fresh fruit and everything you could possibly want on pancakes. A simple tablecloth, potted flowers and candles were the tables decorations, along with very simple name tags I quickly made the night before. She had never been to a pyjama party, so we were all in our pjs. \ Just simple food and simple beauty, but it was what she needed to receive and what I needed to give. We chatted for a good two hours or so, and then it was done. When she went back downstairs, she hugged us hard and told me no one had ever done this for her before. Something so simple. People dont need things, they need moments.

Hello again!

*Being full of sickness is an excellent opportunity to catch up on long overdue LG posts*

Bonjour a tous et toutes (encore une fois)!

I am Cyn and here is a short description of myself for anyone who doesn't already know me: Im currently 27, married for 3 years, a daycare educator, and am part Greek and part Quebecois/Canadian.

Can I have a moment to say how super grown up I feel right now? :)

So, I love food and I know slash love Amy, that's how I got here! And here is my flurry of questions!

THE QUESTIONS

- Take a picture of the front of your fridge. What's on it and why?

Ooo, I like this one! I've got a pretty standard fridge front, on the right, top to bottom, knife sharpener, magnet my mom brought me back from Les Iles de la Madeleine, my weekly menu (I seriously wouldn't be able to function without planning a menu, seriously), a postcard of the Pope my bro-in-law brought me back from the Vatican last year (along with a rosary that had been blessed by him, a treasured gift) coupons and election papers. On the left, a postcard one of my students sent me from China where he is spending his summer, pictures of Jeff and I on our wedding day, our dogs, and a picture and postcards from my best friend who moved to England/Ireland for an undetermined period of time. As to the why, everything on my fridge either has a purpose or brings me comfort. 

- Three things you learned in the kitchen in the last year/the last five years.

Hmm.. I feel as if I've learned so much I have a hard time pinpointing 3 down. I would say resting my meat is a huge one (I thank the food channel for that). Also, how to combine different cooking techniques on the same item, ex: when I roast a pork tenderloin, right after pulling it out of the oven, I give it a quick sear in a super heated iron cast pan, then let it rest. It gives a nice textural crust to the pork while keeping the insides very tender. And lastly, my mood very much affects the food I make. For me, when I cook (especially elaborate dinners that require multi-tasking to the extreme), its like a dance. Do this, stir that, chop this, saute that, lower the temp on that, etc. If I'm not feeling good or feeling up to it, that dance is disrupted and the fails happen, So Im slowly learning to evaluate myself and what I'm capable of in the moment, rather than forcing myself to do whatever I said I was doing. Like two Sundays ago, I had my family over for dinner, and had planned this work intense fancy dinner. But with a bad head cold/allergies, my head was really really not into the game, so I threw a spaghetti sauce in the slow cooker, made a quick salad and bought a fresh loaf of bread from Premiere Moisson. Done, and I could rest all day and actually enjoy supper with my folks. Had I stuck to the previous plan, things wouldn't have turned out and I would have been stressed and upset and generally failed the entire day.

- If you have a decent budget for a small dinner party, where do you turn for food inspiration?

I looove dinner parties. I love to host. Having people in my home to cook for, to serve, to treat as if they were a king or queen, that is what I love the most. People have completely lost the art of hospitality and taking the time to enjoy company with food and beverage, so I try to make my home an oasis of good food and good love. The first thing I always do is ask for dietary restrictions and the sort, because as much as I'm inspired by that beautiful purple cauliflower, someone might be allergic to it, and then where would we be? So that being done, I then look at what I have in my fridge/freezer/pantry, and what's on sale/in season. I will choose one main ingredient to center the whole course around (i.e.: butternut squash for the entree, trout for main course, strawberries for dessert) and its only then that I start looking through my cookbooks and the internet to build on those ingredients (squash becomes a soup, trout becomes a grill, strawberries become a berry salad with gelato). Once I've got my menu firmly planned, I then go purchase my items in the store. I have walked through a store or market and pulled inspiration straight from the ingredients, but that always seems to end up costing me more than planned, and that in turn doesn't make the husband happy, which in turn reduces his enthusiasm for said dinner parties.

- Have you discovered a new favourite cook book lately? Restaurant? Ingredient?

Less of a new book/ingredient, and more a shift of my philosophy. I love to cook, we all do or we wouldn't be part of this lovely blog. But there is something to be said about raw ingredients, and the more I read about it, the more I'm convinced we (meaning my household) need to eat a diet that is much more infused with raw fruits/veggies, which is surprisingly a hard thing to do when you're used to roasting/cooking/sauteeing/steaming/grilling pretty much anything you can get your hands on. But slowly we are introducing a portion of every meal as raw, and learning what works and what doesnt (I hate raw peppers, Jeff loves them).Raw doesn't mean there's no flavoring, just forcing my brain to find different ways to adapt and adjust. 

- What were your favourite things that you've eaten in the last week?

Yesterday's supper wins this week's tasty award. Honey mustard chicken thigh (1/3 cup honey, 1/4 cup yellow mustard, 1/4 cup dijon, 1tsp paprika/oregano/crushed pink peppercorns and a couple sprigs of rosemary. Bake for 30 mns @350 in a covered pan and then uncovered for 15mns @375) served on rice, with barely steamed ginger carrots and a little tomato/basil/cuke salad. Oh and a bit of cranberry sauce my friend made for Thanksgiving.

- What do you listen to when cooking?

Everything is according to my mood. In the last four days, Ive listened to an opera play mix, Bob Marley, Snoop Lion/Dogg whatever he calls himself (dont judge me, I love his album Reincarnated so) Matisyahu and Red Hot Chili Peppers. I have no particular genre I prefer.. although I tend to put on country kitsch when I make bread (??).

- What are your favourite smells in the kitchen right now?

Ill tell you what my fave SOUND is.. I love the sound of food hitting a hot pan, especially a piece of steak or onions. 

- What has frustrated you in your food & cooking life in the last year?

This is in two parts. First thing that was a really hard thing to go through was basically the past 3 1/2 months. We moved out from our apartment into my grandmothers basement for about 1 month, and then we moved into our current location before it was completed so I couldn't really cook, apart from a slow cooker. I thought I had it all planned out and would be on top of things, but no, I really didn't. It was a nightmare, stressful, shit food everywhere, I completely lost inspirations or desire to be in a kitchen. 

The second frustration was that I learned I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which among a whole bunch of other things, determined I have an insulin resistance, It answered a whole bunch of questions, like why I wasn't losing weight. Weight has been a battle for my whole life, and well meaning people always told me two things: stop eating so much/eat healthier, and start moving more (of course, these were the same well-meaning people that told me margarine was healthy). My job requires a high level of energy and movement, and my eating was healthy, fresh, and made by me (this was prior to the move), so why wasn't I losing weight like normal people? Everything was explained, and that on top of everything else was too much. The will to cook, bake, make beautiful food was completely gone, replaced by desire to be done with this eating and making food thing as fast as I could possibly do it. It was a dark 3 months, and were not out of the woods yet, but I'm finding my joy back, and most importantly my interest in the way ingredients are made, cooked, boiled, spiced, etc was renewed and I feel stronger than I was back in June. My relationship with Jeff is stronger than ever and his interest in food has been lighted as well (in fact hes cooking more than ever, and fancies himself a pancake expert... I'm inclined to agree!!)

- What do you want to get into or explore in the coming year?

DEEP BREATH... I want to go to cooking/pastry school!!! I really really do and the only reason I haven enrolled already in night class is because of our imminent move in July.. when Jeff graduates, we might be moving across country depending on where he will start his career. It could be in Vancouver or right here in Montreal, we just dont know, and so I cannot start something I would have to drop before I finished.

- Write a haiku about one of the following: a kitchen fail, a kitchen win, the last time somebody cooked for you, eating outside, or dining with friends.

Although I think most of us are on fb and have seen this, Im going to repost it just because. This is literally what I look like when I cook, all the time.

My apron is my armor; my wooden spoon, my sword. 

I will fight the wars of my world with food, love, and kindness. 

I have no weapon in my arsenal more appropriate or more powerful.

paul george pezold, 1944-2014

Rewind to the beginning of the fall semester.

sterile elevators

a dark house, a dirty sink

blinking against 2:47 am

harrowed eyes in my bed

--no. that's too soon.

Rewind to before the end of the summer semester, when I rose at 4:30 in vain efforts to calm my frantic soul-body, fraught with knots that only a cocktail of stimulants and evasive instruction could plot--so calculated and deep that even when I lay down on my frigid concrete floors, I could feel my back contort against the even surface. I often found myself at the foot of my makeshift desk, rummaged from the nearby dumpster, cheek and temple making contact with cool stone.

Respite only called in Calloway, home to Matt's family farm. Mary would always ask how things were going and with a knowing, compassionate smile, pull fresh sheets out of the dryer for the guest room. She is a reserved, 4"11-tall pillar of wisdom and faith. She knew I'd be staying the night, again.

"Oh, hullo, Sam."

Signature plaid shirt, cap emblazoned with a deer or tractor, a deep stoop in his posture.

Years of hard work, many of which involved sitting in poorly-designed, delivery-truck seats not made for extended sitting, I was told.

"How's Samson? How's your grandma?"

Paul always opened with the same questions.

"You need...any more sweet potatoes?"

"Did you see our raspberries growing?"

"Ya ever ride in a four by four, Sam?"

"Is pie a big deal in Canada?"

Paul loved sweets. He loved ice cream. I always brought some over to impress, and in efforts to win the family over.

When we would sit down to eat family dinners, I observed. Two semesters of anatomy and physiology of the speech mechanism will make you a creep at the dining table. You stare at people. Swallowing. Masticating. Wondering. Bolus squeezing past the faucial pillars, larynx pulling up. Paul often coughed as he was swallowing. It bothered me, but I know it is common for older individuals to aspirate. Peristalsis slows down. Things degenerate. This I knew, but for some reason, I couldn't stop fixating on Paul coughing. I hadn't thought of it at the time, but Mary never aspirated food. She never coughed. How old were they? Aspirating food into the airway can be a sign of neurological dysfunction. But I didn't ask.

What did I know? I had no professional opinion developed as of yet. I was just here, by some miracle of God and friendship, at this Missouri dining table, thinking of the journey of our garlic red potatoes made, from a patch of land just outside the sliding doors, expanding against the snug earth, dug up by hard hands, sheared of their skin, shimmying in oil, and finally bursting into energy upon meeting everyone's roaring tummy.

"We're out of eggs, Paul."

We'd already eaten breakfast. Mary wakes up early and normally fries sausage patties, potatoes for herself and Matt; eggs with the works for me and Paul. They had a system worked out--I didn't know what. She does almost all of the cooking in the house. Her sons grill every week, but Mary always takes care of meals. Mary was a caterer for over 20 years--Matt teases me about how my cooking will never match up to his mom's. It makes me angry, but truth be told, what I have shown off of my cooking abilities have been less than impressive. I blame it on the vegan blueberry muffins I tried to make for him that exploded in the oven. Yes. EXPLODED.

Paul was outside, perhaps getting produce ready for the market. I had always meant to go with them to help, but coursework was simply overwhelming.

I reached into a cookie jar to help myself to Mary's vegan coconut-oat cookies. Coconut crack, simply addictive. Her wink and nod of approval was cut off by a commotion--she ran outside, Paul was clutching his foot. She scurried back inside and called for Matt. He was showering. She turned to me and said, "Would you mind driving Paul down the road to get eggs from the neighbor? Something stung him." It was the first time I'd seen her anywhere near worked up about anything. Paul was also undergoing treatment for colon cancer, and treatments had been making him tired. I understood why she was worried.

"I'll be FINE!" I could hear Paul fuming from the door. I looked back at Mary.

"He doesn't seem to--"

"You should GO with him."

Never having seen a stern look on her face, I grabbed my keys and moved fast.

But Paul was already in his truck, revving up the engine. I stuck my head in the passenger window.

"Paul, I've never seen real chickens before!" I blurted out. "Can I go with you anyway?"

His furrowed brow melted into the smug look the rural only have reserved for the urban.

I hopped into the dusty truck, and we chatted as the old pick-up ambled down the road.

He pointed out the old post office. The old bank. Who lived there now. How long they had been there for. Whether he realized it or not, Paul loved sharing stories of his upbringing. I liked to listen. He knew everyone who lived on either side of the gravel roads, and I heard all of their stories.

We finally turned into the driveway of a gorgeous property. It looked like something right out of Martha Stewart--but no, whoa, whoa. This was the real thing. Fuck Martha Stewart.

I waited for Paul to get out of the truck. I hung back, waiting for him to make his way up the pristine white steps of his neighbor's veranda. He never complained of pain, but he was limping noticeably.

He greeted his neighbor, and I peeked into the house. A neat, clean kitchen. Copper pots gleamed from their nooks on the walls. Painted hens and roosters everywhere--and it was tasteful. Not kitschy.

Paul introduced me, but his neighbor was tight-lipped. I grinned, nodded hello, and took my cue to back off.

I stood on the porch as Paul made smalltalk.

I looked out onto the land. A wide plot of land was designated for the chickens. I was dazlled by the sight of regal birds pecking at sun-dappled grass. So clean, so expansive. I reached for my pocket to take a picture. It's empty. A surge of disappointment electrifies my body.

This was purely idyllic.

"Can she go out and look at the chickens?"

I whirled around as I heard Paul's request. The lady was still wary of me. I have been told that southern hospitality is a joke.

"Sam's from the city. You know, she ain't never seen any real chickens before and she really wanted to come see them. She's from Canada, you know. Real far away."

She reluctantly agreed, and Paul hobbled down the steps, and pushed the gate open for me as if to say, "Don't mind her." I stepped out onto the grass, relishing in the sight of the multicolored hens jolting forward and back. The sun was warm and streamed in soft rays through the large chicken coops.

Back in the truck, Paul laughed. I craddled the cartons of eggs in my lap.

"One more thing to cross off your bucket list, huh, Sam?"

Fast forward to Montreal. I'm having trouble adjusting to being back home. Matt calls--Paul has pneumonia. I don't understand. It is later revealed that he's been aspirating, which caused the pneumonia. I still don't understand. Why pneumonia now? He'd always aspirated food.

One evening, Matt's voice shakes. He's calling from the hospital. It's a brain tumor.

But where is it? I press.

Near the right ear.

I come up with dozens of possibilities. There's a benign tumor that grows on the hearing nerve. That is likely it, I say confidently. "Has your dad been dizzy?" Hard to tell, the chemo injections had been making him nauseous. I knew the answer to that. I was in denial myself.

Friday morning.

I'm relieved to come home to Missouri. It's odd, but that's exactly how I worded it in my head. My loft with my cuddly cat. A loving family that led me rediscover the simple goodness of meat and potatoes. A good man who serves me and sits next to me while I do my homework.

Matt greets me at the airport, I try to make him laugh. I have 2 huge bags, not to mention overflowing carryons. My flight was delayed, it's almost 1 am. We make the drive to his cousin's place near the airport. Matt's quiet. I tell him I've missed every inch of him. I try to distract him. He has dark bags under his eyes. We plan on leaving early in the morning to see his dad at a local hospital. He's had surgery, but hasn't really been responsive in the last week.

We get a call from Matt's mom at 4 am. "You need to come now." Matt is distressed and his voice breaks with exhaustion. I jump to volunteer and drive the two-hour route. Adrenaline gets us there safely.

Matt's sister-in-law envelops me in a big hug when she sees me. I've always liked her. She's spunky and sarcastic and lives next door on the farm. Her eyes are bloodshot.

Matt's eldest sister is also happy to see me. She runs multiple veterinarian offices with her husband. She always brings Samson his special cat food and never asks for anything in return.

"Dad was asking about you, Sam. He said, 'Is Sam back yet from Canada?'"

Saturday.

Matt's dad has been transferred to another hospital. Just after lunch, his oxygen levels are dangerously low. The floor lobby is flooded with family members.

By mid-afternoon, the hospital staff puts up a laminated picture of a rose on his door.

I am disgusted by the gesture.

"We're not helpless here. We've got arsenal." An eloquent nurse reassures that they are doing all they can to make him comfortable.

An in-law says, "I just hope it's fast. My grandma hung on for TWO WEEKS breathing."

The nurse doesn't think it will be much longer until he passes.

The priest comes by to pray. I am outside holding an inconsolable granddaughter. She doesn't know if she wants to see her grandpa like this, but is torn thinking she may regret not seeing him one last time.

It's getting late. I offer to get food for everyone. 22 people, to be exact.

At the grocery store, I pick up ready-made foods that I normally would not have eaten in that combination. Coleslaw, overcooked green beans, cheesy potato casserole. I pick out dessert--he would have liked that.

Paul, this isn't the right time. What if Matt and I get married? Please. Please hang in there. 

Everyone is ready. But Paul defies everyone, and keeps breathing throughout the night and into the next morning.

He is taken home. He breathes for another two weeks.

There is a deafening silence without Paul. Whenever my car crunches gravel up the farm's driveway, I expect to see him in his plaid shirt, tending to the garden or coming out of the barn holding tools. I expect him to be there. When I sit at the table to eat, I expect him to be coming in through the door from feeding the cows, or the horse.

My expectation is but a memory. I am haunted thinking of everything left behind. A tractor he won't drive. A coat he won't wear. A cap that will stay on the shelf. Confused dogs that wander in search of their owner.

A thought crosses my mind as a I step out of my car. Does Paul only exists in memories now? In pictures, videos?

I know this is wrong. I know Paul exists outside of the material world.

But nothing moves the same way on the farm anymore. Not the flowers, the animals, or even the water.

"Hey love, can I get leeks from the farm when they're done growing?"

"I don't think my dad planted leeks this year."

"You had them last year."

"You know, my dad only planted them last year because you told him you liked leeks. And you ran a website about leeks."

"I don't run it, Amy more like runs it. Anyway, it's not just about leeks!"

 "Well, whatever. They don't typically do well at the market, but he planted them because he knew you liked them."

gluten-free at McGill: volume two

I haven't made much progress in my research vis-a-vis restaurants in the area; I usually just bring my lunch and heat it up at Birks (most days) or Newman (my biweekly self-indulgent days). I just needed to share with you this beautiful moment; the angels governing sweet potato enjoyment provided me beautifully with a single sachet of salt and pepper on the table here in the Birks common room. Delicious! I preroasted four or five sweet potatoes the other day - a lovely lunch, in a pinch, provided you have salt and pepper.

noms

Seasonal fruit tart (base of cassava flour, oats & ground vanilla) with raspberries, peaches, and orange cherry tomatoes & mint from my garden.

Double-chocolate mint cookies - with ground peppermint, oat, cocoa & flax.

gluten free: two years and counting

Last weekend, I got glutened pretty bad.

If you don't know this expression, lucky you. It refers to somebody on a gluten-free diet unintentionally ingesting gluten, and getting sick in some way as a result.

I'm not even sure I can pinpoint what caused it. My mom, Ambrose and I decided to go up north to visit my grandparents for the weekend somewhat last minute. I made Ambrose and I granola bars (which I believe I reacted to - likely the peanuts; Amira nuts are the worst), I brought and faithfully took my Allegra (which I take almost daily in this season - after this fiasco I checked the box and indeed, the inert ingredients include an ambiguous listing of "starch"), and my grandmother made a curry for dinner that probably had gluten.

She means well. But once you're gluten-free you start to realize that wheat is so thoroughly naturalized in our culture that it is perceived as neutral, invisible (this will sound familiar to anybody who studies race or gender - hegemony naturalizes and makes the dominant group "normal", neutral, baseline) to the point that when you tell somebody you can't eat saltines, they insist, "No no, it's just regular baking flour!". The very concept of "flour" is so stripped of association with the earth, with an actual grain, that wheat flour is perceived in this odd, stripped-of-all-qualification way. The fact that most people don't refer to their bread, crackers or pasta as "wheat bread", "wheat crackers", and "wheat pasta" illustrates the hegemony of the wheat. So those of us who opt out of eating wheat have an uphill battle - not only do people typically stock few alternatives to wheat, barley, rye etc., but the products they have with gluten aren't perceived as containing anything threatening; the gluten is invisible to them and therefore impossible to detect and avoid without outside help (eg without the allergic person peering over their shoulder).

I watched her cook a little, but my courage failed. I was so stressed already from the trip (that's another story) that I didn't want more eye-rolling or passive aggressiveness in my direction. I failed to advocate for myself. I figured the worst threat was the broth, so I read the ingredients discretely, and left it at that.

Overall, my body's response was typical. I was exhausted, itchy, flushed, constipated, depressed and anxious for days.

But there was a light in the dark: on a lark, I'd brought up my new copy of Gluten-Free Girl's original memoir to read. I was inspired, exhorted, and filled with hope and courage. Really, it was the perfect thing to be reading at that time. She is so sensual and joyous and honest, both funny and helpful, careful and creative, that the writing made me realize that though I was in a really intense gluten-bomb right then, I had indeed been being lazy lately, and I'd been paying for it, and it needs to stop.

For weeks I've been tired, so tired I just want to come home and lay on the bed for half an hour (or more) before making dinner while Ambrose runs wild in the house. I've told myself it's because I was pmsing, or because I was working a lot, or because I stayed up, and that may have contributed, but I was failing to address the obvious - I've been letting things slip. Don't get me wrong; I have never intentionally "cheated" since I realized and accepted my allergy, but sometimes I just don't ask questions where I should. On our vacation week, we ate out a lot; I chose things that seemed should be naturally gluten-free, and never mentioned my allergy to the servers. I bought mixed nuts at work (again, the nuts! Seriously, right after the oats issue, the nuts issue is what kills you when you're new to GF - and while people warn you about oats, nobody tells you about nuts!) that I've kept in my locker and have been eating regularly. Shauna, in contrast, talks about being an incredibly strong, positive advocate for herself, eschewing fries unless she was certain there was a designated fryer (because of the batter on onion rings, chicken etc. in most restaurants that have fries), ditto with corn chips, and so on - things I'd never bothered with.

It's time.

I've been on this journey now for two years and counting. I came in fighting, resisting; I've mellowed, and embraced the YES necessary, but never taking my own health seriously enough to be thorough. What is the point to that, even? Why deny myself the pleasure of fresh wheat bread with butter if I'm going to blithely have wheat starch and flour traces come in through the back door just because I've got my head in the sand?

Friends, I'm taking it to the next level.

Shauna says she does not eat anything she is unsure about, period. What a relief that would be, to just insist on wellness: It's time for the next level.

My mother, though she buys rice pasta for her house, has bought gluten-free ice cream cones for Ambrose, and makes a regular effort to read labels, still doesn't believe there is anything objective to my allergy. I tried to talk to my family when this all started - I shared my pinterest board with them that's full of helpful links about what a gluten allergy is - and I don't think she and my brother have gone through it at all, even now. They still roll their eyes. They still ask me dryly whether I would get anaphylactic shock from eating non-certified GF corn chips, demonstrating that they didn't read what I sent them about IgA or IgG vs IgE allergies. Truly, I wish I had gotten a blood test or even an endoscopy before starting any kind of elimination diet, if only to satisfy the people who need a piece of medically-stamped paper to believe an autoimmune condition exists, even though I was a SAHM of a two-year-old with no family doctor at the time, even though it would have meant significant time and stress, but I didn't. And I'm not going to eat wheat now for six weeks to satisfy my mother. I am so done. I am done being apologetic. I'd love to have my family's full emotional support about my diet, but I don't, and wishing won't make it so. (Thank God for my in-laws.) Time for the next level.

Time to research products thoroughly, to ask questions, to print restaurant cards again, to buy my favourite book about gluten allergies to lend as needed, and to blaze the path for others who will come after me. Time to step up.

I've been thinking of this poem:

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

(Mary Oliver, 1992; accessed from Poetry 180 06-09-2014).

Spending a few wild and precious moments in the garden...

...picking the best tomatoes I have ever tasted with Ambrose and Sam (photos by Sam)

 

I don't have wheat, but I still have so much. The richness of the garden, and a thousand other foods. My one wild and precious life.

 

research & inspiration

My brother-in-law started a gluten-free diet last week to see whether a host of symptoms he'd been suffering would alleviate, and they did. When I heard the news, I just felt sad, desperately sad for him. I know it runs in my husband's family, so I wasn't shocked, but I was just so sad for his loss. I wouldn't wish this lifestyle on anybody. It's hard. I went to visit him at work with a GFG essay in hand, and he was so positive. He was just happy to be feeling better. He said he wasn't really bummed about the limitations - he knows life isn't over, that good eating can and will still be the norm, because he's seen me and Tony at it for almost two years now. Wow, that really touched me. How amazing, that my fiddling around with plantain cake and cassava pizza and striving for good, whole, delicious foods has edified him that way. He isn't starting blind, groping around for alternatives; he's hitting the ground with a great deal of support thanks to the fact that we've been dealing with this and educating those close to us, including his parents, who cook for him. He can text me when he's not sure whether he can order a cider at a bar. I didn't have that when I started but it is so incredibly good to be able to be that support for somebody else. This blog is just our rough little fort in the corner of cyber-space, mostly just the three of us reading and supporting each other, but maybe, just maybe sharing our struggles here can touch somebody else out there too, even though we're not a sparkly career blog, even though we don't have ads, give-aways or much at all in the way of bells and whistles. How wonderful.

If you're in the mood for trivia, I first officially posted about playing with an elimination diet September 28th 2012, and the first formal gluten-free-accepting post I can kind dates December 11th of that same year. If you missed my whole saga, I now realize that my allergy was switched on when I was pregnant with Ambrose, starting at the end of 2009, manifesting first as eczema on my face, then hands, as well as abnormal fatigue and constipation. The eczema is what pushed me to try an elimination diet, after even hard lotion bars (which I'd blogged about February 2012) weren't cutting it anymore, guided by the book The Eczema Cure, which was worth its price by far. And yes, my eczema is 100% cured :)

If you're in the mood to be inspired, Shauna's New To Gluten-Free? essay is worth an annual reread.

If you're in the mood for more information, I highly recommend Healthier Without Wheat: A New Understanding of Wheat Allergies, Celiac Disease, and Non-Celiac Gluten Intolerance by Stephen Wangen.

"I remembered the end of Molly Bloom's soliloquy, the last line of James Joyce's Ulysses... Thinking of her husband, with whom she has been struggling, Molly Bloom remembers again when they met, and how Leopold asked her to go out with him. She responded, in her mind, with, '...and yes I said yes I will yes.'" Shauna, aka Gluten-Free Girl, p. 234 of her memoir, writing about food, love, hope & saying YES to life - this chalk board hangs in my dining room, to remind me of Molly, of Shauna, of Mary, of the power and freedom of saying YES.

Thanks for listening.

market day at McGill

I bought so many beets. I'm very excited.

notes in photo editing

I used to be what I saw as a purist about digital photography editing (of any subject): a well-composed photo taken in the right lighting shouldn't need editing, I thought.

While I still value the magic moments of shooting in perfect light, I've come to understand that any camera interprets light and perspective, just like our eyes do. Sometimes cameras (my experience is all digital) don't interpret the scene quite right. Other times, your camera will see and capture things more clearly than you see them, literally. We control this with camera settings, but also with computer software. 

So, enough for my apologia; let me show you what I've been up to!

I've been using vsco cam (an Apple app), using direct manual edits more than filters as I've gotten comfortable (though the filters can be great, too; you may have noticed the new quality in my last couple of posts). I've noticed that my iphone tends to shoot rather blue/cool:

The original image.

Temperature adjusted.

Original image (yes, beets again!).

Temperature adjusted.

Both of these "after" shots have slight adjustments to exposure & contrast in addition to temperature, but that's the main difference in each set.

Knowing this about my iphone, I'm able to adjust the shot to my own visual interpretation of the subject much more quickly, and I'm really happy with the results.

What do you use to shoot your food photos, and how do you edit them?

Salmon-y lunch

GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS IM SO EXCITED

We have finally moved in everything and I can actually cook with my things instead of the in between, and I am just ecstatic! Just wanted to quickly share my lunch which I was looking forward to au max! Simple, delicious, and tbh I even enjoyed doing dishes after LOL!

I made a very simple guac for the salmon, just half an avocado, 

half a lemon squeezed, and a tbsp of roasted onion hummus. So creamy.

With the salmon, a quick side salad: a small tomato and half cucumber from my aunts garden with 

some fresh basil leaves and half an avocado. Quick marinade made from o.o. and lemon juice from the other half of the lemon, along with some chili flakes.

The salmon fillet was really easy prep, it was already spiced from the fish mongers, a spicy thai paste made with hot peppers, garlic, spices, etc. Just plopped it in foil and in the oven for 25 mns and it was perfect. What a delicious meal!! 

ré-intro

Take a picture of the front of your fridge. What's on it and why?

if I actually showed you the face of my whole fridge, you might be alarmed. 

The front of my fridge is a mess. Everytime I try to clear the clutter I can’t seem to part with anything. I have pictures of friends’ babies. A ballet studio's schedule that's a walking distance away (hey, they do have drop-in classes! and I need to know when!). Postcards from friends. 

Also, SO MUCH MAGNETIC POETRY. Amy gifted me a bilingual Canadian kit right before I moved to Missouri—it brings so much ‘bec to the apartment. It is an outlet in days of loneliness, frustration, and (most recentlt) near-inebriation. I want to buy more of it, because I can't seem to part with the poems I've made already--BUT I CANNOT FIND ME ANY CANADA KITS on Amazon! 

Also, my poetry is intense yo. Cyn has edited some of it, actually.

- Three things you learned in the kitchen in the last year/the last five years.

Grandma at the head of our table for Orthodox Christmas

1) A kitchen often betrays a great deal about a person. I’m not trying to come off as an ass, but if my grandmother had nothing but beer and fake butter in her fridge, it’s unlikely I would today crave the comfort of molokhia. I would have never begun to imagine the everyday struggles of working-class Egyptians without being made to eat ful during Lent. I certainly wouldn’t be wandering the grocers of Missouri seeking out veal like a lost family heirloom, at any rate. Food doesn’t just “bring people together”, it sticks you like molasses, like honey, to a life once lived--ancestry, perhaps. To hard realities of life, even if the food you cook isn’t ancestral to you. If you’ve read Miriam’s Kitchen (which you need to read if you haven’t) you’d get it that for many, history boasts a home in the cupboards, and tradition inhales a new breath every moment a meal is served.

2) ALL that said, the kitchen doesn't judge. It's okay to eat out of your pan when you're in a hurry (when you live alone, of course). It's okay to make scrambled eggs in a mug when you are in school and trying to excel. 

3) Set a timer, all the time. Even if I am frying salmon cakes or just warming something in the oven, I know I'll get distracted at some point. 

- If you have a decent budget for a small dinner party, where do you turn for food inspiration?

My wonderful, incredibly talented and gifted aunt Bella,  maestro of dinner parties 

The leek geeks, obvs. My aunt Bella, who truly is a dinner-party virtuoso in preparing, serving (she has the most elegant plates!), and entertaining. I am also quasi-obsessed with this website manned by a SAHD. By that I mean I like it so much that I legit remember to check it once a week. I love his site because I am terrible at following directions for recipes, and he always takes high-quality, step-by-step pictures of his meals. I also married my two inspirations in the New Year: we took a SAHD recipe and made it at Bella's house!  Of course, I misread how much flour was required :/ workin on that. BUt it was so much fun! 

- Have you discovered a new favourite cook book lately? Restaurant? Ingredient?

 

c'est beautiful!

I am getting into Jamie Oliver's cookbooks, if only because they are beautifully photographed. But I dunno...I once made a side-dish carrot recipe of his and was disappointed (followed it for real this time). The Bistro Cookbook was a $3 purchase from TJMaxx or someplace like that. It has rustic, beautiful pictures of wholesome French cooking. Seafood. Haricots verts. It is propped open on a gold bookstand (?) my counter and I turn pages every other day or so for inspiration. It also reconnects me to Montreal’s food culture.

- What were your favourite things that you've eaten in the last week?

I made an incredible vegan crockpot soup for my sister when I was in MTL because she was sick and only eating vegetarian foods. Seriously, it rocked. It was Julia's recipe, actually.

Also, the chicken at Nostos grill, a Greek resto on l’Acadie. Their Greek grilled chicken is really, really good. 

I brought over a few chocolate and cinammon danishes/rolls from the Homemade Kosher, my family's go-to bagel-bakery. I warmed one up in the oven while I showered (timer ON!) and wrapped it in foil to go to my first meeting with my clinical supervisor. Every. Bite. Was. To. Die. For. 

- What do you listen to when cooking?

Free Gavin Degraw concert in St. Louis for the 4th. I was SINGIN. 

When Matt is over and we’re cooking together, we will play music themed to our dish. Bob Marley for jerk shrimp. Latin if we are making paella. When I’m alone, depends on what I need. If I need motivation to feed myself, Gavin Degraw. City and Colour when I need calm. If I am lounging or food-prepping, Arabic or Butterfly Boucher.

- What are your favourite smells in the kitchen right now?

exam week breakfast, courtesy of Matt's wonderful mom

-Sausage patties. Crispy, hand-grated, red-potato hashed browns.

-When the Pezolds get together for a birthday party or a holiday, everyone brings a dish and the kitchen on the farm smells incredible. Granted, it’s almost always the same constellation of dishes: potato salad, bean casserole, mac and cheese, some grilled meat, cucumbers in vinegar--but who cares? Made with love and I am invited. THAT’s all that matters.

-Matt’s mom bakes these incredible vegan, almond-coconut oat cookies. And she make like 5 trays of them, so there’s enough to go around. Many. Many. Times.

-Home-brined whole chicken baking in the oven. It’s like the rotisserie chicken you get from Metro. But BETTER. See SAHD's recipe!

- What has frustrated you in your food & cooking life in the last year?

I am always choosing between cooking/trying a new recipe or studying.

I also keep buying Tupperware and I feel like I never have enough. WTF? 

I also eat out a lot more now, and though it’s nice to have someone prepare food for you, I feel like I’m cheating myself out of a healthier, more valuable meal by not making it myself.

I used to buy in bulk on the weekends so that I didn’t have to go grocery shopping during the week and study, but this isn’t working out. I am not making time to plan and make the meals, and food often goes bad. This kills me. I realized this wasn’t working and now buy the absolute minimum—it won’t kill me to go to the grocery store 2-3 times a week, and the Lord knows I need to get out of my house/school anyway.

- What do you want to get into or explore in the coming year?

-Learning to cook healthy, delicious meals fast? I suppose that means having a wealth of recipes that I know down-pat.  Every minute counts during the semester…

-Using the crockpot more—I get up bloody early in the AM anyway.

- Write a haiku about one of the following: a kitchen fail, a kitchen win, the last time somebody cooked for you, eating outside, or dining with friends.

"God, it's hot in here..."

It smells like burnt--OH MY GOD!

There goes my dinner.