A couple of months before the Holidays, I made a decision (partially prompted by my awesome co-worker who I see myself as in 20 years). She explained her thought process like this:
Every time I choose to eat something, its a decision I make for either the good or the bad of my body. I can make a choice to consciously put thought into what I'm putting into myself, or I can continue to act on impulse and pollute myself. But whether or not I make good food choices, I never EVER under any circumstance think anything negative about myself or my body. If I cant be kind to myself, who else will be able to?
(Did I mention she's processed-sugar free, grain-free, and has extensively studied the effects of modern nutrition on the behavior of children under 5?)
Ah yes, we've all heard that before. But I decided it was worth trying out 100%, and I began to notice that I talk to myself in an awful manner, most especially when I eat things I know I shouldn't. I say some pretty terrible things to myself that I would never say to someone else, and even worst, I would cry if I heard one of my girls in my class say things like that about herself. So fuck it. I decided to change that pattern right away. No more bullying myself.
And it worked, rather too well, if I can say that. I changed the way I was talking to myself, and it suddenly became easier to make better food choices. I lost a lot of weight, but didn't focus on that. I didn't even tell anyone, it seemed so.. pointless. Who cares about numbers when my soul feels like its safe from itself? I felt light as air, I felt beautiful, and I felt like I could trust myself to live in love.
And then Christmas happened. And then New-Years happened. That meant a lot of parties, a lot of food and drinks, a lot of indulgence, and a lot people. People asking me: Wow Cyn, you lost a lot of weight, are you on a diet? Maybe you shouldn't be eating that then.. Or: You look a bit better, I think you lost weight! Or my favorite: Gosh you must be so happy you lost some weight, finally, Don't even think about all the rest that you need to lose, I'm behind you 100%, I wont let you gain those lbs back!
And the cycle began again. I gained back 7-8 lbs, and my fragile love foundation crumbles. The anger and meanness started back up, the food I eat declined, and wasn't even homemade anymore, just take-out, take-out, take-out. Hurting my body and my bank account with trash.
But I'm so done with that. I don't give a fuck about my weight in numbers, I'd rather concern myself with how I feel when I look at myself. How I feel when I finish a meal. God knows how much I love to cook and create, and how much having a meal with someone you love is an essential part of my day, something I look forward to all day long. Why would I rob myself of that pleasure because of other people's words? No way. So I'm done with that bullshit. My one and only resolution for 2014 is love. Love for others, always. But love for myself and my body and my choices, even more.